Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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