rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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