remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize