We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
