theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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