On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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