I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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