I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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