and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
