the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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