You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
