At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
