Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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