i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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