I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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