The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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