I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
