I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
