He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
