just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
