so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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