I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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