I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
