My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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