M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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