his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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