Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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