Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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