there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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