did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
