I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
