Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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