And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
