remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
