stop calling my apartment porn island.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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