Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
