don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
