I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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