i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
