im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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