I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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