She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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