I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
