I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
