i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
