My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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