Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
