I hate all girls vehemently.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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