R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
