Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just puked most of my soul out..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
