I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
