I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
