Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
