drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
time to smoke my breakfast
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Randomize
