I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
