Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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