You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
