dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
