I cannot find my penis.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have feelings that need drinking.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize